i found this on a random blog:

This is from the Tao Te Ching (Stan Rosenthal's translation)
Weapons of war are instruments of fear,
and are abhorred by those who follow the Tao.
The leader who follows the natural way
does not abide them.


The warrior king leans to his right,
from whence there comes his generals' advice,
but the peaceful king looks to his left,
where sits his counselor of peace.
When he looks to his left, it is a time of peace,
and when to the right, a time for sorrow.


Weapons of war are instruments of fear,
and are not favoured by the wise,
who use them only when there is no choice,
for peace and stillness are dear to their hearts,
and victory causes them no rejoicing.


To rejoice in victory is to delight in killing;
to delight in killing is to have no self-being.


The conduct of war is that of a funeral;
when people are killed, it is a time of mourning.
This is why even victorious battle
should be observed without rejoicing.

war is glorified. this world is so horrific, and it will never stop being that way. it's pathetic and sad. i don't know what to do, so i do nothing. it's cause of people like me.

does this work?

when josie came to pick up her cell phone today, i was wearing the exact same clothes as i was wearing yesterday. that is, the shirt i hadn't worn since grade 5, and the skirt that appeared mysteriously in my closet one winter morning. plus the blanket, to hide my shame. it did no good.

i'm meeting up with nerds tomorrow to celebrate lunar new year. i want pictures. alexgirl said mike cut his hair. she thinks he's trying to be "Fresh" for the new semester. damn him!

i went to swimming again tonight. it was weird seeing dexter there. what a name: dexter. he has really really white teeth. and now that i think about it...he looked like he could have been pj's brother. they were dressed almost identically, and look slightly alike. at least from the one picture i saw of that pj kid.

i have a feeling i'm going to be sore tomorrow. namely, my ass. i dunno why, but my left ass cheek started to really hurt during practice. there's not much you can do though, usually you can at least massage a sore muscle. actually, now that i think about it, i was massaging my ass. except i was in the water. and we all know that no one can see what you're doing if you're underwater.

i made a rough copy of the yearbook cover i'm planning on submitting. it's so...geometric...slightly dizzying...but i think it looks alright, and it sort of suits the theme, surprisingly. i think it's one of those things where you either love it or hate it.

that reminds me of how i saw my painting in the library. it's going to end up being one of those paintings where future students will not "get" "it".

"haha"

my "leg" itches. i think i need to find "some" moisturizer. it's a little early, but i think i'm gonna go to "bed". "crazy", "eh"?

hm. but then again...conan will be on...nah, it's a thursday.
i wonder what carleton university was like. it'd be really cool to go to school in ottawa, cause then you could go to quebec whenever you wanted. i really like ottawa. they have such cool stores. it's weird though, cause there's this point in ottawa where everything goes from really upbeat and hip to just...slummy. it's not gradual, it's sudden. i got lost in ottawa this summer, during the untrip. then all the americans were like "oo, a canadian got lost in their nation's capital?!". ah logic abounds.

hahaha what a shitty saying i just made up. did i make it up? hehe i just had a flashback to last night when shannon asked to spit out a candy i gave her, and the garbage can i handed over had pads in it. "am i not human? don't think you're better than me cause i have periods too!". the weird thing was, they were clean. oh to live in the lap of luxury. throwing out unused pads for the hell of it.

hahaha
rosco is feeling amorous.

rosco is making weird sounds.
it's like he's snorting.

i've been researching biotech stuff. and i've come to the conclusion that stuart wilkinson is amazing, i can't believe he's talking to us. he emailed back again, saying that what we are trying to do is "extremely difficult". i thought it was nice of him to avoid saying "high schoolers can't do that". i feel so lost on it though. heather said that we have to stay realistic. all we should do is prove that it can work. but i want to make it do something that's never been done before. except that it seems like it can't do anything. everytime something good happens, the next day something bad will drop. i don't know anymore! now i have to go and relearn all my physics. what a bite in the ass. gabe said that aventis has seen many microbial fuel cells. we have to try to do something extra in the applications to set us apart. other people have run little clocks and lit little lights. i think that's pretty good, but gabe says it's not good enough. it's always not good enough, but they never tell us what is. i told him what some university professors from berkely are doing, and he's like "yeah! that's it! something like that!". did he not hear who was doing it? and even they don't have it perfected. we're building friggin bug soups from tupperware, and know nothing on this stuff.

i would say it's not fair, but i asked for this.

god, i need an idea!! this thing is due in may, and we're sitting on our asses, rewriting our purpose.

i just called laurie
her dad said she wouldn't be back until friday. i wonder if she's actually away until friday, or if she's grounded till friday.

nice jugs. they're staring at me.

i went to sleep at 9:30 yesterday, and woke up at 9. then i just took a 2 hour nap. i wonder what's up. maybe i have mono. har hee harjar.

swimming was okay. i didn't swim the practice, but mike said i looked like i'd done around 3000metres (120 lengths), so he made me get out early. i told him i was scared to go back to swimming, and he made a face. then he said i looked tapered. well no duh, i haven't swam since christmas. but i guess he was trying to be reassuring, so i'll take it.
there's a bunch of new swimmers, and what looks like new lifeguards. at first, i thought one guard looked like andrew keough. but then again, i always think people look like him. but one of the swimmers at first i thought was jasmine caron. then i thought it was kara. now i'm convinced it's the crazy lovechild of jasmine and kara. it could happen.

so biotech is back and bitching. i'm pretty surprised all of us haven't forgotten about it. but we haven't. lisa's found us some lab space at UofT, so that's pretty amazing. now our biggest problem is designing the thing, but that shouldn't be too too bad. we need to order our materials...hopefully that goes alright...everything needs to be under $200...that'll be a stretch...i still get unbelievably nervous just thinking about it. so no more talk of that.

maybe i will do something tonight. but i need to go to the mall. hm.

so what else is new? i talked to mel for a while today. it was weird, but okay. we talked about julie a bit. it was a little depressing. this blog is pretty vague. anyways, it's not gonna get any better.

i'll show you guys what is known as the jungle.

poo. devon's suckered me into going to swimming tonight. i'm just going to show up.
they're training for provincials. won't this be fun for me.

but i want to show her what over half a year of unshaved legs looks like.

*sigh* if mike knows what he's talking about, then a month from now, i shall be a satisfied swimmer. all i want now is to get the same times as i used to before. i don't care about getting faster than that.

i'm going crazy! dynomite all day! now tlc's life unscripted! aahholy crap!! so bored!

ham: an inexperienced actor who overacts.

aww it's a bad thing!

they had it comin'

yesterday evening, laura, kristine and i went and saw chicago. t'was great. except they were acting kind of weird. they kept teasing me about krystian. i didn't act disgusted, but it was still strange and i didn't like it. they are so sensitive. honestly, same thoughts have been crossing my mind...

i'm in trenton now, in fact, i'm at my mom's office. i don't know why she decided to get internet installed here, but she did. so now you're reading this.

krystian called this morning from science centre, to say bye. he had to go in to talk about a job there. anyways, we talked about the ultra-awkward goodbye we had after graduation...

...rosco just got really scared for some reason. he's all perked up..

...where we were at the subway. i was heading south, him and allison were going north. so allison and i hugged, then when krystian and i hugged, i guess my backpack was so huge he couldn't get his arms around it, so i thought i felt a hand on my ass. i said "you're such an ass!" and he was like "what the fuck?! what the hell was that?!" and was acting pretty...upset. so this just confused me more. allison had this horrified face on, because she didn't know what was going on. their train came just then, so they got in and were staring at me from the window. allison, still with the horrified face, and krystian still saying "what the fuck was that?!". so today, i told him what i thought he did, and he just said "your bag was so frigging huge, i was trying to get around it. then you called me an ass on what could be the last time we see each other!". now i find it slightly funny, though a little...margle.

this weekend i'm going up for chinese new year. plus i have a sleepover i need to volunteer at on saturday. it'll be fun.

at the grad reception, we did a spontaneous red-rover sort of thing to hand out the gifts to teachers and amanda. i think mike liked his gift the most (thank you, thank you), but specifically the mini-motorcycle clock that had "mix master mike -41" engraved on it. it's because once in calc, we started talking about motorcycles, and mike said "yeah, i always wanted one but...my mom won't allow it."

i hope they don't like the next semester. hee hee.

when i talk about grad to people, they tell me that their families said that "that girl MC was so confident!". i don't know why of all things to say, they say something about me being confident. i guess i'd rather have them say they thought my lines were hilarious, but confident is good. then mike said i was a "ham" at graduation, and we should have "sliced me up and served me". i asked krystian what it meant to be a ham, and he said it was a really overly-dramatic actor. then i told him what mike said after that, and he said "oh..well maybe he means something different...something entirely ... different..". but overdramatic?! very confident?! sounds like they were embarassed for me or something. oh well. we'll see.

i don't know how, though.

hm. chicago was a really good movie.
i wonder how they did the musical.
right now, everyone in toronto is having japanese food. i'm sure they're all thinking of me. hah.

if exams are over tomorrow, we should go do something tomorrow evening. i want to watch west side story.

sucky

i was hoping shannon would tell me a white lie about st.paul's not being that bad.

no such luck.
why do people tell me that i'm going to hate coming back, and that they feel sorry for me coming back? is that really necessary? shannon's not doing that, but it's been done enough times for me to actually start feeling that way.

oh juicy, you came and you found me a turkey. on my vacation away from worky.

thanks jo!
i'm coming home monday afternoon, if all goes as planned. i might stick around to go out with geeks that evening, but i think i'm going to have to leave sooner or later, shouldn't drag it out.

i started crying this morning. i didn't cry at all during graduation, except for laughing tears, and one or two shed because people were leaving early. the only out-of-towners left are myself and josh, i believe.

for once, i don't think i'm going to blog about this. all i feel like saying is that i feel cut-off, alone, isolated, seperated. not in physical sense, but something like...we were part of a group, but now it's over, and we're all going back to our old schools, seperately. i felt really sad this morning, because (even now) i still feel like i'm going to see them on monday, at school, like usual...but i'm not.

grad went amazingly. i'm hoping to get a copy of a video. it will be great.

fuck off

i'm not sure why it's an issue for me, but if you are friends with two people who don't like each other, you don't have to choose a side, or a friend. obviously, people are going to have different opinions about everyone, no matter how similar they are. dislike each other all you want, but don't use people in between to try to make yourself feel better, or validated. if you don't like someone, why would you pay attention to them? don't change your opinions of anyone for something they did unless you hear their side as well. what's with all the pressure to have the same opinions? i honestly don't care whose fault what was, especially since it was obviously not just one person's "fault". just leave it be; it won't get any better when no one wants it to.

this week has been really really...busy. less emotional than i thought it'd be, but now that i'm sitting down and reflecting on it, i guess it has been pretty emotional afterall. geneva park was pleasent. it was a nice way to start to say the longest goodbye ever, but most of the time was spent doing graduation prep. grad is going to be fun. krystian and I wrote an amazing skit about the teachers. all the teachers are having lunch on the first day of school (3/4 of them are first time science school teachers), and as it goes on, we freeze the scene, and read out their inner monologues. they're hilarious. i'll post them, when i'm feeling attention-starved. turns out the grad is going to be filmed. i hope i get a copy. anyways, we're MC's too (krystian and I) and our segue ways are the best. there's bette midler singing, wayne's world dream sequences, monty python references...it goes on. the west side story intro is going well, except that i keep smiling, or burst out (fully saliva-ed) laughing in krystian's face, when we are supposed to reach for each other's faces; about to kiss, but then we turn away at the last second and introduce the ceremony. it's intense, i tell you.

we got our oscss sweaters today. they look cheaper than they really are, but the material is heavenly. hah. i met kristine's younger sister today; she came out to dinner with us, she's pretty cool. and i say that because she laughs at my jokes. ah i'm so easy to please. i don't really have many stories to tell, even though i thought i did. i guess we've all just been reminicing lately. today we spent the whole day (literally. 9-now) together. during daylight, we were doing grad rehersal and prep, and then later we went to dinner and CN tower....again.

speaking of CN tower, allison and i finally got our CN tower "action" pen. dance. dance. daaaance!

mike called me "cutiepie" today. and we did this half-hug-half-arm around the waist thing for 3 seconds. hah. i timed.
gabe poked me in the stomach today, as i walked by. he did the tap-a-shoulder-run-away thing to me a couple times at geneva park. the fact that he grins makes it a little weird. but he's still cool. shut up laurie, i'm gonna beat your ass.
...
maybe it's better that students don't get too close to their teachers. just kidding.

josh has been extremely flirty lately. i always see jen looking at us funny. i don't know why he's being like this though, but it might have to do with the fact that he's just a flirt, and he's finally able to tell the difference between me and annie, now that annie cut her hair. he told me not too long ago that he'd never talk to us unless we were sitting beside each other, because then he could just look in our general direction and say "hey annie, hey steph". note: that doesn't work. i tried that once, and was found out. sorry julie, i just didn't know who gave me the gift.
if pat reads emma's blog, he probably reads this one. piss off, this is mine. when someone posts their thoughts and feelings on the internet, i think it's a pretty clear sign that they want it to stay private.

i almost feel like i have to mention that that is a joke.

tomorrow is graduation. but allison and i are going out tomorrow morning to finish buying mike's grad gift, and gabe's bonsai tree. then i'm heading in early to practice segue ways with krystian. i'll list what we got for teachers when it becomes interesting to read.

krystian looks so much like mike, it's scary. we always joked that he was mike's son ("mike, where were you on the night of January 30th, 1984?"), and it's a running joke in the grad ceremony. but seriously...
i couldn't stop laughing at geneva when allison and i were playing pool against mike and krystian. we had been calling krystian mr.bogangles, and krystian started kicking out his limbs awkwardly, and bobbing his head around, playing along. it was good, but the funny part was when mike started doing it, and asked us where we thought krystian got it from. now that i think about it, that was a pretty weird game. i don't remember why, but krystian tried to look down allison's shirt, and mike was like "whoa now, don't be looking down each other's shirts, children." but then mike, who was walking by me, tried to look down my shirt, after being egged on my krystian.

before you go report him, it was the back of my shirt. and i was wearing a shirt under my shirt.

a button just popped off my pants. dammit. that's the third one, from these pants alone. i lost one at julia's, when the chair stole it off my back pocket. now i only have one button left. save me, chippy!

conan o'brien is hissing at me. we were watching american idol at grace's on tuesday (holy shit...was that just last tuesday?! crazy.) and this one asian guy made it to hollywood. afterwards, he said that it was for all the "asians out there, i love you". i shrieked, and said he was talking to meeee! which is true. he knows i was watching. we have a bond. a blood bond.

i got the exact same mark on both my exams.

chris called and left a message saying he couldn't come to my graduation tomorrow, but he would make it to my high school one. i dunno, that's okay, but i really wanted everyone here to meet all my brothers.
oh well.

lisa is going home to welland tomorrow, after grad. so is heather, and so is steph w. i can't stand it. it's come up so soon. allison is leaving sunday morning. lisa said she'd drive back up if we were planning on going skiing, which we keep talking about, but not planning, so i don't think we will. as soon as the first person leaves, it's going to feel ... heatbreaking.

hahaha heatbreaking. heartbreaking.

the thing is, i'm happy to be going back to st.paul's, but i don't want to lose...the way i'm feeling. i'm not sure what that encompasses. my habits? the way i think? my mom said that now i speak differently. she said i'm more "lively". but after 3 days at home, in new environment, no longer on my own, i think i went back to the way i was before. which is okay but...i'm more...ugh. i don't even know the word. i think what i meant to say is that when i went back home, i was sitting in spare with everyone, and i was trying to remember stuff that happened over the semester, and my mind was blank. i don't want to forget anything.

blah blah blah.

it's 1am, i do believe i'll be going to bed. i don't feel sad, but i'm definately not happy. but i said before that i don't want to stop feeling the way i do. i wish i could describe it. so i'm off now.

non-stop blogging

this person is annoying me a lot now.
ugh! such a wuss.
god, stop complaining to me if you're too much of a jackass to do anything yourself.

i detest people who complain when they haven't earned the right to.

so i'm going back to toronto tomorrow

tomorrow morning, i'm taking a bus back. 3 hour bus ride. it shouldn't feel that long though.
for some reason, i get really pissed off when my mom says the most every-day comments. i'm not sure why. she'll ask me what time we're going out on friday, and i feel like snapping at her. she just takes it. i just noticed it now, but i know i used to do it all the time. too bad i can't blame it on my reintroduction to living with other people again.

jo, millenium scholarship is due friday (has to get to them by friday), don't worry.

tomorrow we're going out to buy gifts for the teachers.

i feel a little bad that i didn't go talk to mr.gomez today; in fact, i avoided him. and it was pretty obvious. honestly, it was because of vic son. she kept exaggerating the fact that i go to science centre. she kept saying that we would have a big conversation, and that i would be his favourite student and all this. it was annoying, but it actually got to me, and i avoided him. ah well. nothing to cry over.

hemahem.

my mom is trying to "coordinate the weekend" and she just said "oh i just don't know how to coordinate the weekend with you" and it made me really angry.

i'm really frustrated. and volatile.

i have to remember to give vanessa a letter to give to my Dominican mom, when she goes.

i'm not sure what i think about coming back to st.paul now. that sounds negative, but it's neutral. on the way home, julie said to me, "did you know some people really dislike jackie, eh?" like it was a big surprise. i guess she was surprised. so i guess jackie knows, or at least has some inkling. meh. everyone hates someone, and everyone's disliked by someone else. i don't get what the problem is.

i wonder if josie and emma still think bryan is hot this year. (haha it goes in yearly cycles). especially if they think the bryan i saw today was hot. i dunno...

chris p is still pinheaded. but at least it's not so prominient now.

i could go on. i probably will, soon enough.

time to have some soup, and try to make my mom feel better after making her feel bad.

sometimes i wonder about the people on my msn list.
there are:

"I don't want somebody to love, just give me sex whenever I want it"
"You look pretty.......in bed"
"Jake the Snake"

those are the stranger ones.
i kept wanting to say obscure instead of stranger. not sure why.

it's always the weirdos.

i was kind of surprised at how often people described things as "Gay","Faggy" and "Retarded" today.
now i feel bad that i didn't say anything, but i know if i know if i did it again, i still wouldn't say anything.

iraq?

i'm totally in agreement with you, julia.

it really frustrates me.

i just realized i've already blogged that puzzles story before.

ah well. sucks to be you.

and me!
*sob*

Steph says:
my last puzzles experience was traumatizing
Beena says:
heehee...........really?
Steph says:
a baby and his brother were wrestling over the key to the puzzle's door, and the mom wouldn't do anything, cause she was too absorbed in a puzzle!
Steph says:
so the baby was wailing
Steph says:
and all i could do was try to give it a puzzle
Steph says:
and i couldn't get my key back!
Steph says:
that baby was strong!
Beena says:
hahahahah!!!!!! Oh my goodness!!!! I think that is just about the funniest thing I've ever heard (........man, the things that happen to you)!

it's true though! have i ever told you my "take-your-kid-to-work-day-rectal-bleeding" story?
that's for another day though.

today was neat. walking home with julie was better than i remembered. too bad it was cold. aaron's shaved head is really really round. it's like he's wearing a bowling ball on his head. anyhoo, the whole day was pretty alright. there's more to say, but i'm gonna get going.

mmm!

Companion - Wide Mouth Mason

did roxanne graduate from st.paul's yet?

andrew just showed me a clip of triumph the insult dog vs. star wars nerds. it was one of those moments where you find it funny, but you don't laugh.
i think it was mostly because i thought it would be funny.

i really want to talk to someone, but at the same time i want to be alone.
i think it's times like these when people get totally absorbed in their music.
i'm not sure why feeling sad makes me feel less sad.

i guess i'm more melancholy. mike the teacher is so great. i wish it wasn't taboo to get to know your teachers that well in regular school. i'm sure a lot more students would put in the effort when they saw their teachers as people who care rather than people who are just being paid to ride your ass. "paid to ride your ass". hm. elegant.

i wonder if i'd be happy as a teacher. i don't like thinking that i'd prolly get tired of it after 2 years. but i bet i would. research is just too political nowadays. doctor might not be possible, and also may lose it's appeal before i even leave med school. what else is there? i could go back to science centre, try to work my way up the ladder over there.
...
i think i need to move on.

i definately do.

the challenger mission today was insane. i somehow ended up on "mission control" camera the whole time, and i was avoiding being on camera, because i was yawning like crazy, and i couldn' thelp getting kind of pissed off at the kids. this one girl couldn't put on a rubber glove. this grade 6 girl could not put on a rubber glove. and all of them could not read a manual and follow instructions. some were just regular fun kids, but seeing the other kids who were trying to be older than they were made me pretty frustrated. anyways, even though i was avoiding the camera, i found out later that a couple science centre students were controlling the camera from outside, and were making it follow me around. this was for a different tv screen, which can only be seen from visitors walking around outside. so they saw me doing all my eye-rolling, my taking-over of the fun parts of the mission, and my hidden yawnings. they said they did many close ups of my nostrils. well, i must admit, they are some pretty damn sexy nostrils. who could resist?

we went out for dinner today, and i brought my sunflowers with me so they wouldn't freeze in the car. except within the 50 seconds we were walking from the car to the restauraunt, my flowers died. they are all wilted. i think only the middle one will survive. somehow, it's more emotional than it should be.

rosco is being funny. he sang when i called his name. my mom danced. i hope we don't get into fights like we used to, when i move back in. we get along so well, then suddenly, we fight like worst enemies. i dunno what it is.

i guess i should go back to swimming now. i don't know if i want to. i get discouraged so easily, in swimming. i wish i could practice on my own, without the people who i used to swim with. i know no one thinks what i think they're thinking...but i hate being given easier practices, to "build up" endurance, yet at the same time i hate being given the same caliber practice as everyone else. it hurts more, and makes me feel like i should be swimming faster than them. but then again, i remember back in the day, when i'd cry during practice because i'd have to swim by myself, while everyone else got to play, and to finish early. or i'd cry because i had to swim with the older kids, with whom i didn't fit in. it sucked. if i swam fast, they'd give me dirty looks. if i swam slow, they would be smug.

if i could meet my younger self, i'd tell her to say and act however she wants. she'd be so much happier. but then again, i think being shy and quiet when i was little made me more...something. i guess it's a good thing, as long as there's no insecurity involved.

everyone is insecure about something, i hate that. i suppose it has to be that way though. i wouldn't say my biggest insecurity is swimming, since for the past while, it's been totally cut out of my life. i wonder what it is. maybe i don't want to know.

i have a feeling this is gonna be the mood of my blogs for a while.

andrew said that for about the 1st week of school, you're pretty depressed. then after that, you're really happy; happier than before. i'm not sure though. andrew was pretty different from me in high school. but we're pretty alike.

at geneva, kristine, laura and i are staying in the same room. i hope no one cries. but i know they will. and i know i will. and it'll probably be like the dominican goodbye all over again:
"*sob* i thought....i thought...*snort* i thought it would suck!! *sob*"
"and was it, stephanie?"
"*sob* ...*sob*...NO! waaaaah"

very sentimental, let me tell you.

i kind of don't want anyone to read this blog.

my mom told me she read in this psychotherapy book that when you're giving someone therapy, you should keep them from crying if they're sad, because crying will just make you feel worse. but if they're angry, you should let them vent, cause venting will help them. wait..was it the other way around? hm. crying makes me tired. but when i'm tired, i feel more sad. but then you sleep. and when you wake up, usually everything's better.

hah. there's my expert opinion.

i hate when they refer to relationship experts as "sexperts". sounds like a molester or something. i'm pretty sure there's a reason why i care about this in the first place..

ahhh...billy joel....you'll always be the entertainer.

hahahahhaah that was ultra creepy. i liked it.

nobody said it was easy
nobody said it'd be this hard

i wonder how valedictorian processes work. where did the idea of a valedictorian come from?
usually, valedictorian speeches suck. it's always a girl, and the girl always tries to include "common" memories that all spcss students are supposed to share. i remember last year's was something like "standing in line at lunch, then getting the last sub". oo. deep. anyways, she ends up crying, and she gets a standing ovation, even if she sucks.

i'm biased. but mark's speech was one of the best speeches about anything that i've ever heard. i'm worried about him. i wish he wasn't forced to grow up so early. i think he sometimes feels left out from chris, andrew, and I. he acts like a dad a lot. but then turns around and acts really really juvenile. i think he's scared for himself as well.

put on a poncho, pray for mosquitos

my nails are really dirty. you know, when someone breaks a nail, everyone laughs. but really, a broken nail hurts like hell.

calc exam went exactly okay. i know i could have done a lot better. and it's killing me, even though it usually doesn't.

the 3 hour volunteering "training" was stupid. i'm an idiot for giving up calc study time for it. we toured the science centre. this annoying girl who is over-enthusiasticly fake about volunteering got in. she acts like she's my best friend, and she always misinterprets everything i say, then comments loudly on it. i talk about oscss with michelle, and she butts in like she knows what the fuck we're talking about. usually she mistakes our convos to be about volunteering. michelle is a girl i met from volunteering who is 2nd semester oscss this year. everytime i see her, i feel really nostalgic and unhappy. all i talk to her about is oscss. and how tired i am. i think my "make no friends" attitude is going to bite me in the ass someday. i got a free t-shirt however. it's too big. ah there's always a downside.
i found it darkly funny how there were some volunteers from last year, who were there again. and they were acting like they owned the science centre. "oh, i've already seen the common room...whatever...we know our way around. let's test each other on which exhibits are on which levels. you know..for fun...crap, no one's listening. i guess there's no point". i felt like whipping out my labcoat, and screaming "suckahs! i go to school here, jackasses! so i win!"

fools.

*sigh*

i miss melissa.
so much for everything.

i don't think the next two weeks will be too healthy for myself.

i guess you can say i finally realized it's over.

i complain a lot, but i am pretty grateful. i wish ... i don't know what i was going to say.
i feel like i should justify my feeling bad. screw you, i say.

i caught a glimpse of gabe's letter of reference he wrote for me. and, i'm not ashamed to say, i compared it to the one he wrote for andria, which was also on his desk.
i like to think mine's better, but who knows. nah, mine's better. hahaahaaaaaaaablah. gabe is funny. you can tell he used to be a big player in university. either that, or a HUGE loser.

i'm laughing, then i'm tearing.

i just realized tearing (as in cry..tear...) is same as tearing (As in rip a paper).

blows my mind.

when was the last time i felt like this?

self-pity is great. by totally immersing yourself in it, it makes yourself feel better. it's kind of numbing.
just like novocaine. mmm!

i'll go on moping. until i get distracted by the next shiny sparkly thing.

so i was ---



--ahhh...i bet you saw that coming.

i'm sad. i want to blog what's happened lately, cause it's pretty funny and interesting.

i feel like i should hide that i feel bad, because my mom is happy i'm home, and she's been so sick lately, yet refuses to cancel patients, and cause i missed her a lot..but.
there's other reasons too, but i don't want to name them.

it's unfair, it always is. but they were basically my family for the 4 months. i saw them everyday, and i depended on them for support.

i hate the fact that there will be more semesters after us, and that this program wasn't made just for us, which it feels like it was.

still hasn't sunk in.

laura's message made me cry.

i'm about to cry now, so i'm gonna go .

i have two friggin' weeks of nothing! i thought second semester would start earlier. i wish it would. i don't see why they didn't extend 1st semester.

mike always put quotes on his tests. one of them was, "whenever people complain, 'life is hard', i am always tempted to ask, 'compared to what?'"

i hate this!

shannon is faceface.

it bothers me that i can read a friend's blog once, and remember all the information from it. yet i can't remember stuff from bio that i spent 2 weeks learning.

i just talked to my mom for the first time since monday. it felt like much longer, now that i realize it's only wednesday.

i think i'm okay for bio exam. no more for me.

i just found out dandy andy is coming home this weekend too! fun fun.

i don't want to miss the fashion show. if it's what emma's working on. it sucks i can't stay. stupid praticum.

praticum sounds weird.

i read tanya's blog. i wonder if she reads mine!

does anyone have skates i can borrow? preferably hockey skates? and a normal winter coat i can wear as well?

i'm moving out this friday, i guess. man, i must be thick. it still hasnt' sunk in! in fifty years, i'll be sitting on a rocking chair, in front of an old west style old folks home, and suddenly i'll be like "OH MY GOD! OSCSS IS OVER!"

i'm gonna try to get some sleep. lately, i have been having a really hard time falling asleep. and waking up. china trip is gonna be tough. i remember when i went to hong kong, it took a week to get over the jet lag, but i had to come home after the week. so i was in canada, and still jetlagged.

haha..except that second jetlag lasted longer than it was supposed to.
"aww..i'm still jetlagged.."
"but it's been two months!!"
"oh...well, you see....oh...."

i'm not really looking forward to it (or...away from it...that's not the expression. leave me alone), but i know it's gonna be fun and scary. i'm so happy jo's coming too, it's gonna be crazy.

YOU BETTER TAPE THE FASHION SHOW, JUICY. OR I'LL JUICE YOU GOOD.

i think i'm the only one who found that clever.

i finished my last classes today.

i am done. forever.
well...i still have another semester. then four more years. then a couple years after that. but other than that...i'm done...forever...

biology exam tomorrow.

calculus exam the day after that.

then trenton for the weekend.

back for tuesday.

camping on wednesday.

get back on thursday.

grad prep on friday.

grad on saturday.

tomorrow, (i screwed myself over) is the volunteer training day.

it still hasn't sunk in. it's done.

mike told us he always looked forward to teaching us. he's such a chump.

josh, kelvin, jen and I discussed boobs for about 5 minutes after school, while playing euchre. they kept using me as an example. my only comments were, "this isn't how we play euchre back home....well....not usually."

euchre leaves a bad taste in my mouth. even though we won.

it's all over! no more classes! no more praticum (heh...well not really.)

today i had a hilariously unhappy and yet, joyful praticum experience. a mom and her two little little boys came by. the youngest was too little to do any of the puzzles, so he managed to grab my puzzles key, and spent half an hour trying to lock the puzzles door. unsuccessfully. anyways, i tried to get it back, and he just said "no". so i did everything short of grabbing and wrestling him for it. his brother noticed him, and wanted to try the key. he was really polite at first, but then eventually, they ended up tussling, and the 2nd brother got the key, and started locking and unlocking the door. the little kid started crying and made it act like it was the greatest injustice in the history of man. he's another reason why i'm scared of having kids. anyways, the mom all this time wasn't even paying attention; she was too focused on the puzzle i gave her! finally, she gave the little kid a toonie to distract him, but he just kept it, and then told me he was gonna buy a monkey, then started fighting the 2nd brother (still playing with lock and key) for the key. kids are dumb.

i felt so helpless. i was just standing there, while the kid was crying, and the boy was playing with the lock. a host came by and tried to save me, but i still felt kind of dumb. i was just like"...um..yeah. okay...well have a puzzles. puzzles make everything better". all i could friggin' talk about was puzzles. it was pretty funny. so i did what the mom did (i didn't want to usurp her authority. hah, right) and acted like nothing weird was going on. i just wanted to take the puzzle away, and pay attention to her kids. afterwards, the older boy saw a family walk by with a bunch of chocolate shakes, and he whined he wanted a milkshake. so they went to get milkshakes. because we all know the best thing to do to whiny, wrestle-prone kids, is to give them more sugar.

the little boy kept the toonie. i saw it in his hand. the mom paid him to shut up!

i just ordered some flowers for my gramma, who is in hong kong.
last time we ordered flowers for them, i got "premium" choice, which was the highest level you could upgrade to. they complained it was too huge. it blocked the doorway. i laughed. that's my gramma!!

sounds like a talk-show. "that's my gramma!"

okay, i'll see you later. bio studying is hard, because i feel like more studying won't do anything, yet i know i haven't studied enough.

i get nervous when i study, and i end up reading too fast, and not thinking about what i'm reading. i'll go over the word, then forget it right away.

my hair is very long. allison and i are getting our hair cut together on tuesday, which is when we go shopping for the teacher's gifts.
sorry shannon, the fashion show sounded like it was gonna be amazing, but there's no way i can stay in trenton tuesday; i have to meet up with alexgirl and kelvin to trade praticum hours. tuesday is the last day we can hand them in.

zat ees all. i think i'm going to do what i did in the beginning of the year, and go through my impressions of everyone. only now, i know them well, so we'll see how different they were from my first impressions.

everlong - foo fighters is on tv now.
it's amazing how good looking taylor from foo fighters looks in drag.

i'm just saying.

the scientist by coldplay has been around me all day.
i kept listening to it on the way to/from school. we talked about the possibility of it being our grad song. it's on tv right now. it makes me sad. but i still really like it.

as frustrating as it can be, i love when people get interested and discuss world issues, or politics. last friday, the table next to us was really into this discussion about north korea, iraq, oil, and the US. they were so informed..i was shocked. last night, (not that i'm informed or intelligent on this whole issue) my uncle was talking about how he heard off the news today some stories about how badly people of middle-eastern descent are being treated. in history, before sept.11, we would talk about oh how horrible and unjust it was to treat the japanese so badly during world war two, but it's so easy to see them like that now. he was just worried because now with the north korea issue, people are going to treat our family badly, cause they "just can't tell the difference". true. but ... agh. forget it.


who the fuck cares if christina aguillera gained weight?!

last day tomorrow.

so it's down to waterloo or mcmaster. and i'm definately leaning towards mcmaster. make that falling towards.
i'm not worried about marks anymore, even though they dropped like crazy this semester, i think i'll be okay. 5 people in my calc class are retaking calc. that's pretty insane, considering my class has about 12 people in it. probably less. anyways, i think having allison around doesn't help things. because she really wants to go to mac too, so we always talk about it, with lots of high-fives scattered in there. we've jinxed our chances like no one has ever been jinxed before, with the way we carry on, but oh well, it's too late now, we might as well jinx it some more. it's almost ... scary, how we talk about it as if we are already accepted, and we're going to move in tomorrow. i mean, we talk about our order of preference for residences are, why (underground tunnels, yeah!), how if allison's roomate sucks, she'll come and hang out in my single room, because i'm going to fill out my roommate-form to make it sound like i'm a light-sleeping antisocial bitch who is allergic to everything. ah yes. single room, here i come.

for some reason, everyone was discussing: for (say you are a guy) 5 million dollars, would you have sex with a guy? it wasn't a serious conversation or anything, but cliff, the classic guys' guy said that "if i was 'giving it' then i'd do it. but if i had to be the one 'taking it', no way. the 'giver' is the man! and as long as i get to pick the guy."
i said i'd do it, for 5 million dollars, but they said that doesn't count, cause i said that as a straight girl. but then again, even if i was a guy, would i really do it? hmm...5 million dollars...that's a lot of money...

you'd be surprised how long you can talk about that question for.

alright. i should go for real this time.

i forgot to tell you this, but the other day, while hanging out at alex girl's house, i noticed a juno on top of her piano.

get this: her dad has won two junos! he was in some really good jazz bands, i hear.
i know what you're thinking, but you would be excited too if you got to hold one.

they look suspiciously alike to the american music award. which is on tv. and is boring me halfway to hell.
krystian has been coming up with the most bizarre segway ideas for grad. did i tell you? he and I are the MCs now. it's pretty cool. i didn't think anyone was going to bring friends to grad, but now that i hear they are, i want to bus all mine up. saturday the 25th people, what do you think? i really want people to come. i'm really disappointed no one got to come see where i live and the route i take to school everyday. i told my mom this, and she said that i could show everyone later in the year, but it's just not the same.

for the grad opener, we're gonna enter the auditorium à la West Side Story. with the finger snapping, and the gang-whisperings, and especially the twirls and fancy steps. i knew broadway dancing would come in handy one day. our finale is a musical number as well. we're changing the words to "my favourite things" to be about oscss. lisa's playing the piano, which is cool, cause she learns so fast, and she tells everyone i taught her everything she knows, so it makes me look good. haha

so some examples of the freakiness of krystian's ideas are like:
krystian : "okay..i have the best idea..we're gonna need a sandwhich, fogmachine, and some full-body leotards"

B is trying to get on my good side by constantly complimenting my hair. it's annoying. "how do you get hair like that? it's black and straight!" "i'm chinese." "how do i get hair that goes all straight like that?" "be chinese." then he pulls on my hair, and acts surprised when i tell him to fuck off.

he angers me.

apparantly, krystian and gabe found some skulls in the storage shelves by our student lounge. so we did a dry lab with them. but it was crazy, because some of them were real! a real human skull, it was part of a body once, and held a brain, and now it's sitting in a dusty box, forgotten, in a student lounge. we were ... i'm ashamed to say... messing around with it, and taking pictures. and you could unhook the top part of the skull, so we did, and lisa was wearing it like a hat. then we were making the skulls talk (the fake ones) and i took a picture with the real skull where my lips accidentally touched it. gabe didn't stop us, he was taking the pictures, but he would just repeat "...you do realize that is a real...human...skull?" and we were like "yeah, that's why it's funny"

i know, i know.

ah well. time to go.

"Modern medicine has saved humanity from many plagues and diseases that threatened to snuff out lives all around the world. However, there is still one plague that continues to threaten humanity. It is a strange plague in that the only person who has the power to cure is the person who is inflicted with it. This plague is ignorance, and it runs rampant; in myself, as much as anyone else."
aaaaahahahahahhahaaaa
that's a direct quote from my scholarship application. yes, that's right. i wrote that.

i sound so self-righteous in my answers. i hate that.

i should be on degrassi. they're in frickin' toronto. it should be "degrassi: the asian generation". or better yet, "wongrassi: the asian invasion".

i heard they already have an asian girl. fuckers.

maybe i should get a swear-jar. but i don't carry cash. hm.

anyways, all they need is one. that proves they're multi-cultural on it's own.

i was looking through alex guy's yearbook, looking for a picture of dandy andy, which i heard mysteriously appeared in alex's book. i was about to give up, when on the very last page, there was a boy named "clifford wang". i freaked out...because:
-cliff goes to a different school
-the guy looked exactly like cliff
-it was a grad pic; cliff hadn't fully graduated yet

...it was cliff! somehow, the photographers sent to the wrong school, cause cliff wasn't in his own yearbook. then jeff noticed a picture of his friend from his school in alex's yearbook. cliff noticed another of their friends. i noticed a guy named "sunny sun". i have no idea who he is, but his name is sunny sun. almost as good as winky woo, from waterloo. anyways, back to the original plot, then we noticed how different the designs were on all the grad gowns. haha don mills sucks ass.

krystian almost convinced me to smoke a cigar on friday. it was his birthday. i probably would have, eventually, if people weren't watching me, and if i didn't have to go to calculus. krystian has been making me feel uncomfortable lately. i catch him in what appears to be looking at me. i know he may be interested in me, and i was in him, but it still makes me unhappy. i don't like him enough to get involved, and i know we won't, but i don't like the feeling that things are different between us now.

anyways. i just surprised myself, with that comment.

i hope she isn't mad at me. i would feel really horrible if she did.

i noticed i feel a little disgusted anytime i hear about high-school relationships. in jen and josh's case, it's the fact that we're a close-knit group, and they changed the fact that it was just girls and guys being friends, and none of the pressures and tensions. plus the whole heather thing. but usually...i think i'm too...i don't know the word for this. pessimistic, but more cynical...but not as sarcastic, more profound, but less considerate.

i've posted about 4 times or so, in about an hour. pretty soon, my posts from 45 minutes ago aren't even going to be appearing on the page.

bye, i'm going to bed. i think i'm getting too...something.

talk about a one-sided conversation.

Stephanie says:
i saw a band today
Stephanie says:
it's this little band, and this kid off of the new degrassi is in it
Stephanie says:
and i go to school with a girl whose little brother is in it
Stephanie says:
anyways, i bought their 2 dollar cd
Stephanie says:
and i went around getting their autographs, but we started getting random autographs
Stephanie says:
from just people sitting around.
Stephanie says:
we made them sign them "to steph. stay in school!"
my name is carson says:
hahahahahahaha
Stephanie says:
it was neat
Stephanie says:
it was funny though, cause we weren't sure which guy was on degrassi
Stephanie says:
so we kept screaming "CRAIG! DEGRASSIIII!"
Stephanie says:
but it sounded like we were screaming "craaap!"
my name is carson says:
hahahahhahaha
Stephanie says:
but you couldn't hear us, so we were yelling stupid things like "DEGRASSI...i'm gonna get you"
Stephanie says:
and we were yelling at my friend's brother, because he was in the back, in the corner, playing bass. he's good, but he looked so bored
Stephanie says:
but we finally got his attention
Stephanie says:
and i gave him a thumbs up
Stephanie says:
while everyone else is moshing and doing punk things
Stephanie says:
he laughed at me. i am a groupie.
Stephanie says:
so when we were getting autographs
Stephanie says:
me and this other girl were by this guy who was around a bunch of girls who were freaking out and hugging him
Stephanie says:
so we figured he was somewhat famous
Stephanie says:
and we snuck up and freaked out, and hugged him. it was more like tackled him
Stephanie says:
just to make fun of the other girls
Stephanie says:
then we asked for an autograph
Stephanie says:
and later, found out who he was.
my name is carson says:
crack heads
Stephanie says:
you're just jealous you didn't
Stephanie says:
get to hug him
Stephanie says:
"degrassi! i'm gonna kill you!"

sometimes, i have the most selfish thoughts. I'm sure everyone does, it would be totally unnatural NOT to be selfish once in a while. at least to think selfishly. I've wanted to blog it, cause blogging helps me feel better when things bug me, but i didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings. i honestly don't, even though if i do it, which i probably will, i know for sure that i will. that would suck the most, but it's so bad that I am willing to do that, just so i gain. no, it's more like i'm so bad that i'm willing to do that. the situation isn't even bad at all.

i guess i'm blogging it because i want to feel better, but also cause i sort of want her to know. who am i kidding?! i want credit, and if i don't get it, i at least want people to read what i think. but on the other hand, i am conscious of what'll happen if i say it. i know exactly what will happen, and i realize that i would be in the wrong for feeling that way. well...maybe not totally. but she definately did not do anything wrong.

if it's a matter of her simply forgetting, i would feel so much better. but i don't think she forgot. i really think it played a big role. and the fact that i got what her sister wrote makes it worse, cause they did all the work, yet deep down, i still feel like with out that little conversation, nothing would be happening. but the truth is, it might have happened. it probably would have. i don't know. I keep telling myself that it's okay i feel this way, since i know that i should just swallow my misplaced pride, and that i didn't do anything for it, and that it's just a deep down feeling, the rational side of me understands the situation and supports it, and is extremely proud of her for going so far with it...but there's always....the but.

i think the longer i go without even mentioning or giving a sign of it, the worse i feel. i feel bad because i feel unappreciated and used, but also because i feel bad. i feel bad because i feel bad. even the fact that i used "unappreciated" and "used" to describe how i feel makes me feel worse about how i feel, because they are pretty strong words. they match how i feel, but they don't match the situation.

she has obviously figured out what's going on by now. i'm extra worried because i don't want her to think i'm angry at her, or that i have anything against her. no way, i haven't changed my opinion of her at all. it's not really an issue. i just need to ask her her opinion to clarify, but doing so would make her a) hurt, b) offended, c) angry, d) defensive, e) all of that. and i would hate for her to change her opinion of me as well. there is no polite way of handling this situation. i'm already being rude by feeling the way i do.

i know what i should do, but i'm not going to do it. and i know exactly what is going to happen, and it's exactly what i say i would hate to happen, but i'm going to make it happen anyways. i'm being really immature, and i don't care.

and the fact is, i don't even know her side of the story.

when she told me about it, i said all the "yaaay!"s and all that, but inside, i felt hurt that she went ahead without me, even when we + another, talked about this, and promised each other it would be something we'd do together. now it's her thing. i wanted to do something like this for so long, you have no idea. seriously, you have no idea. i'm not going to bother telling you, cause you wouldn't believe me anyways. if i get involved, it will always be her thing, and no matter how nice she is, or how understanding, anything i do in there...i would feel like i wouldn't have the right to, because it's her posession, and i would be altering what she had in mind. i know she's proud of it, and that is awesome. i'm very very proud of her for working so hard, and caring so much about it. but i can't find a way to balance out how i feel.

it sucks how you need so much good to balance out just a little evil and bad thought.

i guess it's true how you can't do a good deed without having some degree of greed.

maybe this is a true good deed? letting it go?

i'm not sure. but i really want to say something. more than anything. she knows now. she's either really mad, and with good reason, or hurt, with good reason, insulted, with good reason, or doesn't care. which i would probably be, if the roles were reversed.

after typing all this, i feel like now he's using me to get with her. i never thought that until now. it may or may not be true, but either way, grow some damn balls you chump.

well there i go. i just ruined it, did i? ah well. sucks to be you two.

tonight was a really fun night. but i'm not going to recount it yet. i feel like a terrible friend. this sucks.

josh and jen are dating. they have been since before new years. secrets secrets secrets...when i heard, i felt disgusted. i'm still not sure why.

jessica's little brother is really hot. and it bothers me that i think he's hot. simply because he's younger than me. BY LESS THAN A YEAR. ahh..me and my sucky hangups...at least he's not shorter than me. hah. *sigh*

so Laura says to me, she says...

Laura says:
but it's mike - can you even imagine having to kiss that....thing
Laura says:
i'm evil
Stephanie says:
are you imagining it?1
Stephanie says:
!!
Stephanie says:
OH GOD, YOU ARE!!!
Laura says:
nooooooo!!!
Stephanie says:
you should see him in calc. he says the funniest things when he solves calc problems
Stephanie says:
and he always sticks his tongue out
Laura says:
(well maybe)
Stephanie says:
HAHAHAAHA
Stephanie says:
AW SICK!
Laura says:
and when he does that steph...how do you feel
Stephanie says:
i feel...i feel...like a WOMAN!

holy shizah.

a proffessor from university of alberta emailed me back just now. and he gave me advice on what to do with the fuel cell project! ah this is amazing. it's totally turned my day around.

I just realized why i was in such a horrible mood. i cried today, because i talked to a professor over the phone, and he told me he didn't want to be my mentor; he had no idea what the hell my proposal was about; it wasn't his field at all, and he just sounded like I was harassing him "i got your email already! look...". he wasn't a jerk, but his tone and my nervousness, and everything just collided, and i left the student lounge, and started crying. it sucked.

but tis all for nothing.
ah alberta professor steve (why is everyone this year named steve?) you're great, my new hero.

haha i just remembered my obsession with pierre trudeau. justin trudeau was on maclean's magazine cover the other time. i read the article, and now i kind of think he's an idiot who loves fame. that's too bad. ah well. then again...pierre trudeau...

did i really already blog today?

Mike's dad turned out to be a prett great speaker. he's funny. and old. heh.

aaaha.

so fran wants to be in the elite UN speech society, eh? well, she'll have to join the ranks of chuck, the guy who ripped off the sleeves of all his shirts before wearing them, pete, the guy who would walk around in bright orange reversable mesh tank top, zak, the perverted overly patriotic "captain canuck", who molests little girls and scars himself by swimming head-first into pool walls, robbie, who would spank girls regularily and without warning, melissa, who liked it when he did that and so on..

it sounds bad, but i wish it was josie who was doing the speech, instead of fran. but i'll cheer for her anyways.

that program sounds so much better than it really is. which i guess makes it great for grubby little "i'll do it for my resumé" jackasses like me. i'm going to grow up to be a horrible person.

you would think that as the end draws near (hahaha ah yes) i'd become more attached to this place. but i'm somehow becoming more homesick for st.paul's (wierd..) and i'm finding myself getting easily frustrated with the people i see everyday here. it's like i'm back to how i felt in the very start of school. yet before xmas, i was really happy.

oh well. no analyzing for me, today.

emma sucks ass.

he's gonna yell at me. ah well, whatever. as if i can bother anymore.

anyways, biotech is shaping up into a little ball of shit.

that is all i'm going to say about that.

i got so pissed off at everyone in calc this morning. they're all so fucking annoying.

talk about mood swings, eh?

they can be so naive too. what the fuck is with that. learn to read through sarcasm, chumpasses.

so that's it for now. mike's dad is our "special speaker" for sci soc today. ya-ay.

blah.

emma, you should take some risks more often. *HINT*
also, julie isn't as great as she seems *HINT*

sometimes history repeats itself. it's neat that way. *lame HINT, but a hint nonetheless.*

seriously, you trusted me before on this, right? don't be a wuss.

mr.mcguire is hot.

mr.supryka is not.
however, see laurie's blog for an interesting story.

that is all.

i talked to someone, and it was interesting. at first i thought it was about me, but turns out it's about this other person. AND what's even crazier is not who this person was, but who the person after that was!

aiie..

i hate not being able to use names. ask me, and i'll probably tell. i suck at secrets like that. wait, don't ask me then.

but anyways, i was shocked. and i voiced it.
but anyways, i think some advice i just gave is going to come around and bite me in the ass. i hope not. i hate having my ass bitten.

"you got to be shitting me!"
"whatever! i don't shit!"

talk about kraft all you want, but i love GMOs.

i haven't blogged in a while. so this one's gonna be a MOTHER OF A PEARL! haha yes.

i suddenly had my big blog bubble deflated. i just noticed it's later than i thought it was. i think i might talk to_____ tonight, if i don't see her online. i need to talk business with her. i can be the hugest ass sometimes. i'm really testing the whole friendship thing tonight. it's probably a mistake. i know it is. but i have to do it, i don't want to lie, and besides, it could be taken as just talking. i know, i know . Anyways...

speaking of assage. yesterday was full of it.
i had to ask mike for a reference form. i had put it off for the whole day; i was worried he'd say something like: "oh, sorry steph, i don't know you well enough to do this. NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU!"
anyways, the possibility of destruction didnt' stop me. i asked, and this is how it went:
mike: hello stephanie! i got some oranges!
me: mm! umm...hm...yep..can you fill this sheet out for me?
mike: surr....it's a reference form...for what? oh...well....*small voice* why dont' you ask gabe?
me: i am asking gabe...i need two
mike: two forms?
me *getting quieter*: no...one form...all you have to do is fill in the blanks...i filled in the first one (name of applicant)
mike: ....
me: so...yeah, well i'll go over here talk to gabe...
mike: no, stay here. *takes out a pen, throws on table* here, well..fill it out.
me: ME?!
mike: yeah.
me: well..what do i put?!
him: well...*sigh*...blah blah

and so on. i kept trying to inch away, but he'd tell me to get back there. i still haven't asked gabe, and with good reason, agreed? then later, i'm probably just being sensitive about this because i was embarassed because of mike before, but whenever i go to the teacher's area, i always see mike first, but i'm always going to ask gabe a question. but mike always looks up at me. so i feel dumb always walking towards him then suddenly turning away to go to gabe's desk, so the next time i tried to say "i'm here to see gabe" but instead i said "i'm seeing gabe". OUT OF THE BLUE. all the teachers (including gabe) didn't look up, but they sort of paused for a second, then kept going. gabe made fun of my labcoat. i was being picked on by teachers. i would laugh, normally, but it sucked.

then on the bus, i was bleeding profusely. i still dont' know why. but i was. and i got on quickly, hoping to sit down fast and stop the bleeding, but since i tried to get on so quickly, the bus driver thought i was sneaking on. so he asked to see my transfer again, when i was halfway down the aisle. he bellowed at me! so then i showed him with my bloody hand. he said thank you. i sat down and bled for five minutes until a lady handed me some kleenex. i guess they were worried i'd pull out a gun or something. you know how threatening young asian girls can be. hah.

maybe it was the parka. anyhoo. i bled. and bled. and then i ate the bowl.

i'm doing scholarships. that should be singular. i think i'm gonna send it to gomez to for reference. except he doesn't know yet. i was reading through it though, and now i'm worried he's gonna tell me the same thing as mike did. I WILL DESTROY YOU! WITH PHYSICS!

krystian was wearing the flower from my gingerbread house in his hair today, and he kept telling everyone he took my flower.

the sunflowers andrew got me are freaky! they turn towards light so quickly, and they're pretty big now. no flowers yet, but plenty of stem and leaf.

i should be going. i have more to do. by the end of next week, i'll be done all exams. frightening, no?
holy crap...in a week and a day, i'll be finished school here...

...
that's perspective for you.
i'm now living in a house with about 5 other people. my cousin's family, plus my cousin's cousin and aunt from his other side. i just met one of them yesterday. andrew's his name and he's like dave, but more muscular. dave's going to see piebald tonight. he's like "all i know is that they're from boston. but i haven't been to a show in a while...like a couple weeks, so i figure why not". he's such music junkie. no, a show junkie. ooooo clever

hey shannon. my mannon. and my eternal cheese.

human clone?

that cult talked to ben, and after the presentation, they told the audience that "because they were such a great audience, we have a special treat for you!" and they showed them a video, that was 30 minutes of animals having sex.

that's what i hear, anyways.

i don't know why anyone would want to do that.

aw andy stochansky doesn't look like how i thought he would. i kinda wish i hadn't seen him. haha just like you and pedro the lion.

i wonder if his name is really pedro. or if he's actually a lion.

anyways, i'm wearing a hat. and my brother is watching star trek.

the movie i was talking about earlier was star wars.

anything with "star" included in it's name is sadly lame.

at the stars...well maybe not everything.
we got a chair massager for my mom for her birthday. it's crazy! it makes your vision shake, and it smells bad.
rosco is losing feathers really sadly. he's balding. like me.

emma never answered the question laurie asked her the other night, in josie's car. i didn't say anything, but i guess i can see why she wouldn't answer it. i probably am totally wrong on this. anyways, emma's mom wanted to pick up a hockey net one of my neighbours left on the end of their driveway. it looked kind of nice, so we weren't sure if it was actually meant for giving away or not. turns out it's not. so emma, it's not. you could still take it, if you wanted to. those kids are bratty. bwaha.

i don't know if i should laugh or cry!
someone found my site by searching google for "laurie nude"

hahaha i bet it was laurie.

and where do i come in?
between these clock hands i'm turning
and where do i begin?
saints have mercy here i go again

i quote that a lot.

i saw lord of the rings today. it was good. the best part about it is how they leave it open for a sequel!

ahahahaaa
am i the only one who finds that funny?

anyways, i don't want to be a downer, but i didn't like how they made some of the bad guys wear turbans, have tanned skin, and have elephant-like creatures on their side. probably wasn't deliberate, but still. it reminds me of the time in this other movie, with aliens, where the bad guys all had asian accents, and wore royal asian looking headresses, and asian looking robes. but they were aliens. so that's okay. blegh

this scrapbook is a huge pain in the arse.

i noticed emma changed the xmas lights in her window. and i even saw what i think is the green lantern (haha green lantern) she made, lit up too. it looks really cool, i want one! she should make a whole bunch and sell them. to me. for free. anyways, that's all the creepy emma-based details for today.

yen (the "yen [who]can cook...and so can you!") is on tv. he's so chinese...oh yen. "yen loves de fiss! so will yoo! and yor familee!" such a friendly person.
in the summer, i was at a macdonalds where they had that "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese..." song written out in different languages on the traymats. they had it in cantonese too, but instead of symbol-words, they had the phonetic spelling. that means i could actually understand it. some of it was pretty hilarious, like when it translates to: "it will make all you and friends do ha ha ha!". the english version says something about having fun, so sing the song again.

on iron chef, they had a different iron chef japanese. i was shocked. he wasn't even wearing the all silver chef outfit. it was blue instead. charlatan!

i saw christina at the movie theatre. she looked different, but i can't explain how. i swear, i thought frodo and sam were going to make out at any second, during the movie. there's nothing wrong with it (it'd make things even MORE interesting. and expand the demographic). i'm just kidding. god, i'm such a jackass. so that elf guy is a big heartthrob now. but his role is so small. everyone knows his name nowadays, but no one knows who the crap that dwarf is. probably cause he's ugly. sad but true. considering the huge drought of celebrities we have going on lately. it's a shame. we bumped into a cable box on the way out of the driveway, and i told andrew that if he weren't so ugly, it never would have happened. that was a strange, but nice tangent.

i don't understand the hulk. is the hulk evil? and bruce banner good? oh lord, please reveal the answers to these questions that torment my soul!

i feel guilty because i didn't go to swimming, (and know i won't) but i'm not willing to do anything about it (as in, GO to swimming). i feel so discouraged when i think about swimming. if i analyze myself (which i am doing) i think i think that if i don't go, i can't say for sure that i've slowed down. i hate swimming with the people i swim with. they're so much younger than me, and they're fucking annoying (lol..cause they're good. aah i'm sad.). i came back, and steph acted like we were best friends or something. it just reminded me how B always acts, i can't stand the guy, and he bitches to me about "cutthroats" and "people who only compare marks" yet he only does that when he's not the best. then he acts like an annoying pain in the ass, yet expects somehow, and for some unfathomable reason, to hang out with laura, allison and i all the time, and to be as close friends with us as we are. we'll just go out to get some lunch, and he'll say in the whiniest voice "ohhh i want to go toooo! where are you going!? what's going on? i want to go!" he doesn' teven know where we're going, and he'll want to go. he'll do this while tugging on your shirt or something dumb. he's so clingy, it's sickening.

holy shit. where did all this come from? aaahh..i'd laugh. but i feel crappy now.

"pipe dreams" -travis
is describing how i'm feeling.

i just took a closer look at the christmas pictures from julia's site. they're pretty funny..i like the one of laurie, suddenly, after all the family pictures.

why is my mouth foaming in the one where laurie's got a gun to my head?

so

i didn't go anywhere yesterday, but probably for the best, since my mom was pretty upset. it was her birthday, and we had a special dinner for her (that's not why she was upset), and chris did the cooking. he used to want to be a chef. he made steamed white chicken, chinese style. it was good...but i couldn't finish mine. it smelt like fetal pig, so i just couldn't do it. i know you know this, but fetal pig as in the fetal pig we dissect in bio.

my mom bought some brazillian figs (99cents each!!) and we ate them. they tasted like mild coconuts, but felt like orange pulp.

andrew and i got a cake for her. it had a lion on it. every birthday, we act as if there's no cake, but it's hilarious cause we all know there is a cake, and we all know that the birthday person knows there is a cake. yet we continue to hide when we light the candles, and prepare everything.

so my mom was upset because she had called my dad earlier about some legal stuff. i guess i turn into a huge asshole because she'll go to me for support, and i'll just get mad at her and ask her what she was expecting from calling him, and how can she get upset when he's the one who never sees his kids, and all this and that. you'd think i'd get mad at anyone else but my mom when stuff like this happens, but it pisses me off like nothing else, to see her like that.

seriously, what was she expecting?

it must have something to do with how it's supposed to be the other way around. i'm supposed to depend on her, not her on me. i think i'm like that with a lot of people though. when they complain to me, i mean. or when i hear people complain in general.
so that was ealier yesterday. since it happened in the beginning of the day (haha as in afternoon), it didn't ruin my day. everything ended in a huge anti-climax, chis was playing nintendo, and went to the bathroom, so we switched to tv, just in time to see the ball drop in time square and las vegas, with none other than Not By Choice kicking off the celebrations in las vegas. wow. tough year, eh? i guess they...had no choice! hahahahahhaa oh god, that was so lame..it's the best. i'm sure you thought that too though. ah yes. i think that was the funniest thing i've said all year. oooo i just keep going.

so then i went back to working on my scrapbook for school. and we watched conan. it was pretty funny, actually.
i just realized i was wearing my conan shirt at the time. i felt proudly lame. a great feeling indeed.

i haven't been out with my friends once this holiday. wait. there was laurie and julia. okay, i meant, i haven't been to the locks or ace's at all this holiday.

5 days left.
-scrapbook
-sci soc hand out
-biotech (aaagh shit.)
-calc
-bio evolution chapter

*sigh*

my only new years resolution is to slap anyone who tells me that "so and so always says that!" or "hey..that's so and so's thing! you can't do that!"

i'm such an angry person..hah...awww

hmm iron chef is on.

where have all the emails gone? pt. 4

julia: it's the adventures of alex mack. learn it, bitch!

i wonder what laurie and shannon are thinking now.

what a quaint new years blog.